Here is a list of 272 Deep Thoughts:
> It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to
> laugh at that man.
> If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp,
> because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try
> to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
> If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to
> tell him is "God is crying." and if he asks why God is
> crying, another cute thing to tell him is "probably because
> of something you did".
> To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
> choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
> If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting
> them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no
> good reason.
> Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he
> sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn
> To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary.
> I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to
> the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
> I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those
> high notes, I'll bet you can really see it in those
> Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal in the
> world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. The
> most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just
> trampling and eating everything they see.
> As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks".
> Marta said it should read "Watch for PRETTY Rocks". I told
> her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department,
> but she started saying it was a joke -- just to get out of
> writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
> As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp, juiciness about
> it that was very pleasurable -- until I realized it wasn't
> a nectarine at all, but a HUMAN HEAD!!
> Once, when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a
> mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and
> wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as
> long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch,
> you know.". He started telling his story, about the treasure and
> his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long.".
> But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this
> story is getting long.". But then, the story was over, and I said
> to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all.".
> I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on
> the plane. It was a little long, though.
> If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is
> to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see,
> we BUILD to that.
> Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful
> flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's
> carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a
> very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
> I guess of all my uncles, I like Uncle Cave Man the best. We called
> hum Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes
> he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.
> Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto
> someone's neck and the guy screams and tries to get it off,
> I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?
> In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination
> should automatically disqualify you.
> If you're a horse, and someone gets on you and falls off, and then
> gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
> If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,
> screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes,
> Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.
> The memories of my family outings are still a source of
> strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car -- I
> forget what kind it was -- and drive and drive. I'm not
> sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there.
> The smell of something was strong in the air as we played
> whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we
> called "Dad". We would eat some stuff, or not, and then I
> think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
> Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows, but without that noise.
> I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when
> he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not
> feel too bad.
> He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so
> much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he
> kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the
> preacher said "Dust to dust", some people laughed, and the
> cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be
> waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun.".
> When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed
> it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each
> other on the back and said, "Hey, good job.".
> If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and
> your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag
> would be to pretend you're swimming.
> Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little
> trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's
> house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the
> door, I'm gone. But you know what I've left on the porch?
> A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head
> with a note that says "You". After that, I usually feel a
> whole lot better, and no harm done.
> I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning
> and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his.
> Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and
> no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is
> a winner!". We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some
> growing up to do.
> The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of
> the face.
> If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it
> Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps,
> which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store.
> On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or
> testing the trampolines, unless a tramps gyrations seemed to be
> getting out of control.
> I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep
> both Dracula AND Superman away.
> Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it
> clear over to the ground and then let her fly, because I'll bet
> you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.
> I remember that fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what
> was coming. "You don't have to tell me.", I said. "I'm off the
> team, aren't I.". "Well,", said Coach, "you were never really ON
> the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and
> towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at
> practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to
> get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.".
> It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought,
> something is brewing inside the head of the Coach. He sees
> something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But
> that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
> If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you
> think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you?
> You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.
> When I heard that trees grow a new "ring" for each year they live,
> I thought, we humans are like that: we grow a new layer of skin
> each year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all
> our skin layers.
> Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke", but to me,
> that's what her dinner tasted like.
> If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove
> touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
> It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by
> something as simple as wild dogs.
> Marta says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two
> lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.
> The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was
> time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came
> crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile.
> If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a
> certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tells the
> reader we are going to have fun with this thing.
> Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had
> accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched
> me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.
> If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the
> stuffing, or the cranberry sauce, or anything else, just
> pretend you're eating it, but instead, put it into your lap
> and form it into a big, mushy ball. Then later, when you're
> out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough
> and throw the ball to the ground. Then say "Boy, these are
> good cigars.".
> Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which
> have been painted brown and attached to the skull with
> common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
> The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof
> reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy
> Texaco latrine.
> I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very
> large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then, after you
> camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?
> When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask
> is if they ever press charges.
> I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane
> crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the
> crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke
> up and go, "What was THAT?!"
> I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting.
> "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick, "Let's
> climb higher." "No," I said, "I think we should be heading back
> now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't and Nick
> said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about twenty
> minutes, then decided to go back. I didn't say it was an
> interesting story.
> If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I
> bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
> Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared
> and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it
> was just a lucky swing.
> Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because
> you'd probably be too PROUD to be sprayed by one.
> I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in
> every culture, is the story of Popeye.
> To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real.
> And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything
> in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into
> one big "thing". This is truth, to me.
> When I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my
> first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I
> was an ant, and she fell on me, then it wouldn't be quite
> so funny.
> You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown
> who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has
> severe diarrhea.
> I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there
> was going to be and eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come
> to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just
> then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you
> or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the
> moon and all, and everybody would get a good laugh.
> We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go
> fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd
> come back with some whore he picked up in town.
> I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because
> I like people to do what I say.
> Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in
> front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that
> snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if
> you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective
> substance. Mine is made out of tin foil and paper bags.
> A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get
> down in the dirt and beg for it.
> One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was
> going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead, I
> drove him to an old burned out warehouse. "Oh, no," I
> said, "Disneyland burned down.". He cried and cried, but I
> think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke.
> I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was
> getting pretty late.
> As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of
> flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that
> morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him "Flint".
> If you're ever stuck in some deep undergrowth, in your underwear,
> don't stop and start thinking of what other words have "under" in
> them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.
> Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want
> to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I
> don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.
> Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say
> you're and astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner
> has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the
> moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast
> off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula,
> but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
> I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a
> lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they would
> still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much.
> I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the
> back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground
> as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.
> I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist,
> but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain
> that makes you want to study the brain.
> I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big
> shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then
> they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And
> in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too
> small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat
> little toy guy -- something like that.
> It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta
> cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at
> Marineland says "You can't throw that chicken to the
> dolphins. They eat fish.". Sure they eat fish, if that's
> all you give them. Man, wise up.
> If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed
> at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so
> much of it for granted.
> We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff
> at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
> It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and
> crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside
> and the kid could put it on and really scare you.
> If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think
> you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.
> People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly.
> But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.
> If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun
> in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some
> smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a
> soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started
> laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron.
> The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet
> and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice,
> and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
> When I think back on all the blessings in my life, I can't think
> of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me
> all those wishes.
> I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious
> people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans"
> as their mascot.
> Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. I think,
> "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"
> If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a
> play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride
> of your life.
> I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the
> top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits
> of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases
> before they even hit.
> If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your
> act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a
> clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but
> that's just too much."
> Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big
> crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and
> flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.
> If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a
> lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because
> you'd really be surprised.
> It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a
> scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was
> running to go fight in another fight, away from the first
> I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a
> king, they just don't go by size, because I bet there are
> some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
> I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where
> they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto
> your buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone
> would think it was funny and the head movie guy would say,
> "Hey, let's put him in the movie."
> What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy
> river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
> Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just
> call them "impressions", and if you got a different
> "impression", so what, can't we all be brothers?
> If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope he
> likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
> Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is a
> wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE
> THINK HE'S GOING?!
> Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime
> will someday be noticed and maybe, in some small way, they will
> be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created
> by Man.
> Children need encouragement, so if a kid gets and answer
> right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops
> a good lucky feeling.
> Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the
> word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two
> separate words -- "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean?
> It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
> If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em
> go, because, man, they're gone.
> I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are
> looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what?
> They never find him. And you know why they never find him?
> It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to
> decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and
> it tastes like Kool-Aid.
> Marta talks about sensuality, but I don't think she'd know
> sensuality if it bit her on the ass.
> It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.
> And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just
> sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
> I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver.
> And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real
> quick and hand it to him.
> Whether they find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be
> considered an enemy planet.
> If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator,
> I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you
> make it shoot farther?" No. I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.
> Why is it that we laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't
> laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown
> outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags?
> Probably the earliest fly-swatters were nothing more than some
> sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
> Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of
> destruction, mankind should think about getting more use out of
> the weapons we already have.
> The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
> If you go flying back through time, and you see someone else
> flying into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
> To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when
> you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey can you give me
> a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
> Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a
> minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back.
> Now who's asking the questions?
> I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof
> with his Superman cape on. "Get down!" yelled Uncle Lou. "Don't
> move!" screamed Grandma. But Grandpa wouldn't listen. He walked
> to the edge of the roof and stuck out his arms, like he was going
> to fly. I forget what happened after that.
> If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
> mirror, because I'll bet that's what really throws you into a panic.
> I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's
> Todd. Todd Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my last name was
> If you're an ant, and you're walking across the top of a cup of
> pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you
> and disaster is the strength of the pudding skin.
> Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess was
> why several of us died of tuberculosis.
> I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think
> he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to
> my home planet.
> Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that big of a deal.
> First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a
> swan that looks that much better than the one you've got, so why not
> mate for life?
> If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think
> it's okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh, too, because come
> on, life is funny.
> Just as bees swarm about to protect their nest, so will I "swarm about"
> to protect my nest of chocolate eggs.
> If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of
> how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just
> drive you up a wall.
> Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.
> Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to
> catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars.
> I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone
> says something like "hey, when are you going to pay me that
> hundred dollars you owe me?" or "Do you have that fifty dollars
> you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap.
> You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't
> sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while.
> It's their way of letting off stress.
> One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if
> the equator was a real line that went around the earth, or just
> and imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I
> didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget
> what he asked me.
> If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's
> some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take
> it easy!
> I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed
> psychiatrist is our "friend".
> When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common
> mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow the head to
> If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it
> necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that
> you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
> When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me
> want to grab them by the collar and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid
> bastard!" Then I drive them out into the desert to where the circus
> is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life.
> If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a
> speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed
> right off the stage. They're just not ready.
> We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually
> flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the
> previous flap?
> Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about
> individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to
> ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a
> corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class.
> Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number
> against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking
> the question.
> If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie
> that spins or changes colors.
> You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets
> stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out,
> riding on water skis! How do they do that?!
> Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or wood hut, people
> around the world all want the same thing: a better house.
> When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other
> leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close.
> When Rick told me he was having trouble with his wife, I had to
> laugh. Not because of what he said, but because of a joke I thought
> of. I told him the joke, but he didn't laugh very much. Some friend
> he is.
> If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer,
> I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
> Love is not something you can put chains on and throw into a lake.
> That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
> If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat.
> Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you
> said 'inspection.'" They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I
> could get out of it.
> I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why?
> It would take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at me, let
> alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it
> at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up
> and kick the gun out of their hands.
> I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for out
> children's children, because I don't think children should be
> having sex.
> If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when
> you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith.
> What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. That's right, a
> feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That's
> and honest question, and I'll try to give it an honest answer.
> First of all, did I say it was a poison feather?
> When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven
> or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's
> not, ummmm, boy.
> Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's
> the least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise.
> I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while
> you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try
> the emergency brake!
> I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I
> think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long
> personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw
> some water in his face or something.
> As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again,
> I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of
> honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
> How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow?
> It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have the dangerous beak.
> Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of
> freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl
> large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they
> were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers.
> If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe
> by shoving them down his throat)?
> I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets,
> because I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name
> on it.
> I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy, and I'll
> tell you why: Both fly, both wear red, and both have a beard.
> Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to
> tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.
> Its true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets his wings.
> But what they don't tell you is, every time you hear a mousetrap snap,
> an angel gets set on fire.
> If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said,
> "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag would be to get
> real mad and yell, "A girl?! You must have mixed me up with that dork!"
> and point to another father.
> I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on
> the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel.
> The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe.
> But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around
> until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go,
> "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
> I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown,
> and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and
> there, that I would get revenge.
> If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because I could walk
> around on two feet with a lot of other guys like me.
> The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it?
> Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the meteor -- through
> some kind of space warp or something. "Go, Bob, go!" yelled one of
> the generals. "Give me that!" said the big-guy general as he took
> the microphone away. "Listen, Bob," he said. "You've got to steer
> that meteor away from Earth." "Yes, but how?" thought Bob. Then he got
> an idea. Right next to him there was a steering wheel sticking out of
> the meteor.
> If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land
> on someone's lip. Even if they smash you, ick!, you're all over their lip.
> I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling."
> It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of
> wood. I don't know why we should do this, but my God, we've got to
> try something!
> Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair,
> the first thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth.
> A quiz: If I am my brother's brother, who am I? (Answer: me.)
> People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most
> beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean
> a jellyfish with long, blond hair.
> If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do:
> Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, "Well,
> technically that's illegal." It might fit in with what somebody just
> said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.
> To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled
> men of the fort, it was more than that. It was a flag of surrender.
> And after that, it was torn up and used for shoe-shine rags, so the
> men would look nice for the surrender.
> It's easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly. But also, check
> out his Adam's apple!
> I think one way police departments could make some money would be
> to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example,
> could probably use a cheap ice pick.
> I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins
> in it, because do you hide from it or not?
> There are many stages in a man's life. In the first stage, he is
> young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to
> build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the
> third stage, he feels trapped, and then "skinned." I'm not sure
> what the fourth stage is.
> I wish I would have a real tragic love affair, and get so bummed
> out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years,
> because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
> If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our
> civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were
> just kidding, that this isn't really our civilization, but
> a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come
> back in twenty years to see our real civilization. After that,
> we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new
> civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as
> they're waving goodbye.
> Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the
> queen's round metal hat.
> I wish I could sink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there
> would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant size, and
> we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground, and
> live there. But don't ever call us "ants," because we hate that.
> If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob,
> I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But
> here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.
> I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, one thing you
> would constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure,
> before I start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body,
> because I am not unwrapping him later."
> If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big
> rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite
> kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you
> taught him.
> If I had the time to sit down and write a thank-you note to everyone
> who sent me a nice, expensive present, what a wonderful world that
> would be!
> You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run
> up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)
> It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate
> with me. I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up
> the telephone, and dial. My phone would ring, and it would be him,
> but it was just this squawking and cheeping. "What?! What?!" I
> would yell back, but he never did speak English.
> If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys,
> throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone
> think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw
> a real grenade.
> I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
> I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all
> skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said,
> "I helped skin Bob."
> Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can
> bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has
> little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it
> could be like ambition.
> I'd rather be rich than stupid.
> If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors
> came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be
> a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
> I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was
> free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending
> he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
> I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're
> sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
> If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses
> should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
> When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your
> elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
> At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be
> "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then
> I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it
> with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would
> probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw
> fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
> A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call
> the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
> "That's dynamite, baby."
> Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for
> a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably
> be able to get a lot of free games.
> I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack,
> above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel
> I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end
> up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get
> embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
> they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
> Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
> real fast and freak everybody out.
> The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any
> toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with
> rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with
> it. Man, I think my heart almost broke.
> Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I
> reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the
> enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.
> I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall
> under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
> I wonder if Dracula ever has ticks.
> When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet,
> I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again,
> louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
> He was a spy, all right, and he knew it. He would walk into a room and people
> would go, "Who the fuck is that guy, a spy?" He'd laugh to himself, maybe pull
> out his gun and show it to the person, to kind of impress him (but not to show
> Sometimes spying was dirty work. Sometimes he'd kill a guy, then paint a
> clown face on his face. Nobody said he had to do that, but he did it anyway.
> So, dirty work.
> I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got
> Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."
> I don't guess I've ever been as scared as when I was waiting in the
> principal's office. Finally he came in and sat down. He didn't say anything,
> he just looked at me. Then he pulled a copy of Playboy out. "Is this yours?"
> he said.
> "No," I said, "is this yours?" And I pulled out my penis.
> I guess I wasn't as scared as I thought.
> If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist.
> When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody.
> That Alien!
> Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that
> rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives. In fact, it might be said
> that rules have become the foot-long sticks of mankind.
> I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does,
> because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech
> improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech
> improvement." I think this makes him feel better.
> Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that
> Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't
> seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a
> doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited,
> and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor,
> and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?
> I think one reason I could be a good playboy is I would be willing to spend
> the time required to really fix up my "pad".
> Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and
> the interchangeable parts.
> If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the
> storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think
> a good name for him would be Carl.
> If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to
> be a better way.
> I think man invented the car by instinct.
> I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and
> lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
> No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the
> human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you
> kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity,
> as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
> I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I
> don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say,
> "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."
> I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell
> sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!
> I think it's high time we started questioning the old cliches like "Grunt big
> for Daddy."
> Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the
> Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked
> me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots."
> "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth real hard. "Then maybe you and carrots
> would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!"
> They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch.
> I think they should continue the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
> One question that's never been answered to my satisfaction by the "Playboy
> Advisor" is "What kind of stereo system works best in hell?"
> A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a
> poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet
> and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him
> about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why
> it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
> Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road
> in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires
> popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it
> bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar.
> Just as irrigation is the lifeblood of the Southwest, lifeblood is the soup of
> In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still
> others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here they'll always be known as
> I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for
> about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and
> start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd
> say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd
> say, "Well, that was easy."
> Good joke, huh.
> I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which
> you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find
> a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you
> stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take
> Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
> Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.
> Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is
> capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as
> you might think.
> The prince decided he would learn anger. So he gathered his subjects together
> outside his balcony. "Who would teach me anger?" he said.
> "Fuck you!" somebody yelled.
> "Okay, how about algebra?" said the prince.
> If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do
> this: Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the
> fireplace onto the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body and yell,
> "Log o' fire! Log o' fire!"
> I've never done this, but I think it'd work.
> As the snow started to fall, he tugged his coat tighter around himself. Too
> tight, as it turned out.
> "This is the fourth coat crushing this year", said the sergeant as he
> outlined the body with a special pencil that writes on snow.
> I read that when the archaeologists dug down into the ancient cemetary, they
> found fragments of *human bones*! What kind of barbarians were these people,
> I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe
> in a God with a long white beard, a gold crown, and a long robe with lots of
> shiny jewels on it. He sits on a big throne in the clouds, and He's about five
> hundred feet tall. He talks in a real deep voice like "I...AM...GOD!" He can
> blow up stuff just by looking at it.
> This is my own, personal idea of God.
> Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy
> sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is
> everybody ready to start now?"
> Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called
> the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell
> everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's
> just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone,
> and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five
> minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out.
> Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of
> town. Bye, Cricket Boy.
> The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard
> and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but
> he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the
> volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day.
> It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out.
> Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to
> collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke
> his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.
> If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels",
> because then I could go up and bite people and they would turn around and go,
> "What the-?" And then they would recognize me, and go, "Oh, it's you, the
> Prince of Weasels."
> As the sleek new sports car wound its way up the tortuous road, Henri tought
> back to the torture he had received ten minutes ago. "Ah, air conditioning",
> he thought as he aimed the vents toward the numerous whip marks on his legs,
> chest, and groinal area.
> I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
> Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of
> these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from
> invasion by another group."
> "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh.
> Girls are funny.
> When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I
> got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no
> one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel
> that way.
> It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be
> carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.
> One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff.
> I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other.
> I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teen-ager, I stole a car and
> drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I
> just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress."
> Boy, did I have a lot to learn.
> Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no
> other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out
> there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or
> factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I
> have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain - unless there's
> lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.
> The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a
> fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.
> I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't
> hypnotize you.
> Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I
> forgot to put on my pants.
> Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never
> known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and
> Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
> I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
> Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car
> parked next to ours had a real dirty windshield; so I wrote THIS CAR LOOKS
> LIKE A FART in the dirt. Later I asked Marta if she thought it was a childish
> thing to do. She said, "Well, maybe," Man, whose side is she on, anyway?
> Sometimes I wonder if I'm sexy enough. When I walk into a singles bar with my
> "fashionable" shirt, "fashionable" slacks, and a big new rubber manta-ray
> helmet. I can't help wondering: Do women want to talk to me for myself, or do
> they just want to get a feel of that nice rubber manta skin?
> The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him
> and called him a fruit.
> Man, I hate land like that.
> Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a
> big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get
> the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your
> balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big
> Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it
> was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it,
> like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you . . .
> It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we
> can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary
> Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a
> chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy!
> I'm going insane again.
> If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you
> should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs.
> He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's
> what I hated about him.
> I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls
> and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing
> around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.
> The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large
> blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone
> asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and
> pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've
> hidden it.
> Good magic trick, huh?
> I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk
> around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.
> If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is
> probably a joke that gets old real fast.
> If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the
> professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you
> figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.
> Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in
> Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help,"
> she could do it.
> If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to
> speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.
> I wish scientists would come up with an ear of corn that was big and round,
> because then when you were eating it, it'd be fun to make chew marks in the
> shape of continents.
> I wonder if angels believe in ghosts.
> I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just
> a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.
> I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they
> want to know?
> Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and
> catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway;
> that's my point.
> END --------