Here is a list of 272 Deep Thoughts:


> It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to

> laugh at that man.


> If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp,

> because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try

> to catch you because, hey, free dummy.


> If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to

> tell him is "God is crying." and if he asks why God is

> crying, another cute thing to tell him is "probably because

> of something you did".


> To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no

> choreography, and the dancers hit each other.


> If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting

> them down?  We might, if they screamed all the time, for no

> good reason.


> Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he

> sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn

> up.


> To me, clowns aren't funny.  In fact, they're kinda scary.

> I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to

> the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.


> I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those

> high notes, I'll bet you can really see it in those

> genitals.


> Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal in the

> world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant.  The

> most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just

> trampling and eating everything they see.


> As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks".

> Marta said it should read "Watch for PRETTY Rocks".  I told

> her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department,

> but she started saying it was a joke -- just to get out of

> writing a simple letter!  And I thought I was lazy!


> As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp, juiciness about

> it that was very pleasurable -- until I realized it wasn't

> a nectarine at all, but a HUMAN HEAD!!


> Once, when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a

> mysterious old stranger.  He said he was about to die and

> wanted to tell someone about the treasure.  I said, "Okay, as

> long as it's not a long story.  Some of us have a plane to catch,

> you know.".  He started telling his story, about the treasure and

> his life and all, and I thought:  "This story isn't too long.".

> But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this

> story is getting long.".  But then, the story was over, and I said

> to myself:  "You know, that story wasn't too long after all.".

> I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on

> the plane.  It was a little long, though.


> If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is

> to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off.  You see,

> we BUILD to that.


> Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful

> flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset?  And he's

> carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a

> very beautiful painting with his feet.  And also, you're drunk.


> I guess of all my uncles, I like Uncle Cave Man the best.  We called

> hum Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes

> he'd eat one of us.  Later on we found out he was a bear.


> Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto

> someone's neck and the guy screams and tries to get it off,

> I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?


> In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination

> should automatically disqualify you.


> If you're a horse, and someone gets on you and falls off, and then

> gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.


> If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,

> screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes,

> Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.


> The memories of my family outings are still a source of

> strength to me.  I remember we'd all pile into the car -- I

> forget what kind it was -- and drive and drive.  I'm not

> sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there.

> The smell of something was strong in the air as we played

> whatever sport we played.  I remember a bigger, older guy we

> called "Dad".  We would eat some stuff, or not, and then I

> think we went home.  I guess some things never leave you.


> Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows, but without that noise.


> I wish a robot would get elected president.  That way, when

> he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not

> feel too bad.


> He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land.  He loved it so

> much he made a woman out of dirt and married her.  But when he

> kissed her, she disintegrated.  Later, at the funeral, when the

> preacher said "Dust to dust", some people laughed, and the

> cowboy shot them.  At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be

> waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun.".


> When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed

> it.  Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each

> other on the back and said, "Hey, good job.".


> If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and

> your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag

> would be to pretend you're swimming.


> Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little

> trick to calm myself down.  I'll go over to the person's

> house and ring the doorbell.  When the person comes to the

> door, I'm gone.  But you know what I've left on the porch?

> A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head

> with a note that says "You".  After that, I usually feel a

> whole lot better, and no harm done.


> I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning

> and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his.

> Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and

> no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles!  Tadpoles is

> a winner!".  We all thought he was crazy.  But then, we had some

> growing up to do.


> The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of

> the face.


> If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it

> Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps,

> which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store.

> On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or

> testing the trampolines, unless a tramps gyrations seemed to be

> getting out of control.


> I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep

> both Dracula AND Superman away.


> Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it

> clear over to the ground and then let her fly, because I'll bet

> you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.


> I remember that fateful day when Coach took me aside.  I knew what

> was coming.  "You don't have to tell me.", I said.  "I'm off the

> team, aren't I.".  "Well,", said Coach, "you were never really ON

> the team.  You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and

> towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet.  You show up at

> practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to

> get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.".

> It was all true what he was saying.  And yet, I thought,

> something is brewing inside the head of the Coach.  He sees

> something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold.  But

> that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.


> If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you

> think liked dolphins the most?  I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you?

> You'd be wrong though.  It's Hambone.


> When I heard that trees grow a new "ring" for each year they live,

> I thought, we humans are like that:  we grow a new layer of skin

> each year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all

> our skin layers.


> Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke", but to me,

> that's what her dinner tasted like.


> If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove

> touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.


> It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by

> something as simple as wild dogs.


> Marta says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two

> lives connected by a thin strand.  Come on, Marta.  Grow up.


> The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life.  But now it was

> time to hang up the cue.  When he did, all the other cues came

> crashing to the floor.  "Sorry," he said with a smile.


> If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a

> certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tells the

> reader we are going to have fun with this thing.


> Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had

> accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy.  First, he punched

> me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.


> If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the

> stuffing, or the cranberry sauce, or anything else, just

> pretend you're eating it, but instead, put it into your lap

> and form it into a big, mushy ball.  Then later, when you're

> out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough

> and throw the ball to the ground.  Then say "Boy, these are

> good cigars.".


> Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which

> have been painted brown and attached to the skull with

> common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.


> The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof

> reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy

> Texaco latrine.


> I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very

> large shrimp.  That way, you could ride him, then, after you

> camped at night, you could eat him.  How about it, science?


> When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask

> is if they ever press charges.


> I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane

> crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the

> crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke

> up and go, "What was THAT?!"


> I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting.

> "That was fun," I said.  "You bet it was," said Nick, "Let's

> climb higher."  "No," I said, "I think we should be heading back

> now."  "We have time," Nick insisted.  I said we didn't and Nick

> said we did.  We argued back and forth like that for about twenty

> minutes, then decided to go back.  I didn't say it was an

> interesting story.


> If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I

> bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.


> Some folks say it was a miracle.  Saint Francis suddenly appeared

> and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence.  But I think it

> was just a lucky swing.


> Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because

> you'd probably be too PROUD to be sprayed by one.


> I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in

> every culture, is the story of Popeye.


> To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion.  Truth is real.

> And, at the same time, unreal.  Fiction and fact and everything

> in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into

> one big "thing".  This is truth, to me.


> When I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my

> first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I

> was an ant, and she fell on me, then it wouldn't be quite

> so funny.


> You know what would make a good story?  Something about a clown

> who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad.  Also, he has

> severe diarrhea.


> I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there

> was going to be and eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come

> to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky."  Just

> then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you

> or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the

> moon and all, and everybody would get a good laugh.


> We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go

> fishing.  But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd

> come back with some whore he picked up in town.


> I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because

> I like people to do what I say.


> Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in

> front of our house.  And I thought, I too am like that

> snail.  I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if

> you will.  But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective

> substance.  Mine is made out of tin foil and paper bags.


> A man doesn't automatically get my respect.  He has to get

> down in the dirt and beg for it.


> One thing kids like is to be tricked.  For instance, I was

> going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead, I

> drove him to an old burned out warehouse.  "Oh, no," I

> said, "Disneyland burned down.".  He cried and cried, but I

> think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke.

> I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was

> getting pretty late.


> As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of

> flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that

> morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him "Flint".


> If you're ever stuck in some deep undergrowth, in your underwear,

> don't stop and start thinking of what other words have "under" in

> them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.


> Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want

> to throw back my head and gargle.  Just gargle and gargle, and I

> don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.


> Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion.  For instance, let's say

> you're and astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner

> has been turned into Dracula.  The next time he goes out for the

> moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast

> off.  He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula,

> but you just say, "Think again, bat man."


> I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a

> lot bigger, but with a smaller head.  That way, they would

> still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much.


> I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the

> back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground

> as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.


> I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist,

> but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain

> that makes you want to study the brain.


> I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big

> shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person.  Then

> they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark.  And

> in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too

> small.  But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat

> little toy guy -- something like that.


> It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta

> cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at

> Marineland says "You can't throw that chicken to the

> dolphins.  They eat fish.".  Sure they eat fish, if that's

> all you give them.  Man, wise up.


> If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed

> at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so

> much of it for granted.


> We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients.  But we can't scoff

> at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.


> It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and

> crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside

> and the kid could put it on and really scare you.


> If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think

> you could cover fuses in just one class.  It's just too rich a subject.


> People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly.

> But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.


> If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun

> in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron.  That way, if some

> smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look.  He's carrying a

> soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started

> laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron.

> The soldering iron of justice."  Then everybody would get real quiet

> and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice,

> and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.


> When I think back on all the blessings in my life, I can't think

> of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me

> all those wishes.


> I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious

> people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans"

> as their mascot.


> Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad.  I think,

> "Aw, who cares?"  And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"


> If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a

> play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride

> of your life.


> I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the

> top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits

> of cheese?  They probably break down into their various gases

> before they even hit.


> If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your

> act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a

> clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but

> that's just too much."


> Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake:  straddle a big

> crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa!  Whoa!" and

> flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.


> If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a

> lot of people do.  Instead, try to get some weeding done, because

> you'd really be surprised.


> It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a

> scared rabbit.  Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was

> running to go fight in another fight, away from the first

> fight.


> I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a

> king, they just don't go by size, because I bet there are

> some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.


> I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where

> they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto

> your buttocks and start yowling and running around.  Everyone

> would think it was funny and the head movie guy would say,

> "Hey, let's put him in the movie."


> What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy

> river to save a solid gold baby?  Maybe we'll never know.


> Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just

> call them "impressions", and if you got a different

> "impression", so what, can't we all be brothers?


> If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope he

> likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!


> Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is a

> wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE



> Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime

> will someday be noticed and maybe, in some small way, they will

> be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created

> by Man.


> Children need encouragement, so if a kid gets and answer

> right, tell him it was a lucky guess.  That way, he develops

> a good lucky feeling.


> Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the

> word itself.  Mankind.  Basically, it's made up of two

> separate words -- "mank" and "ind".  What do these words mean?

> It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.


> If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em

> go, because, man, they're gone.


> I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are 

> looking for a whale.  They look and look, but you know what?  

> They never find him.  And you know why they never find him?

> It doesn't say.  The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to

> decide.  Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and

> it tastes like Kool-Aid.


> Marta talks about sensuality, but I don't think she'd know

> sensuality if it bit her on the ass.


> It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.

> And I guess that's what I like about it.  It's easy.  Just 

> sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.


> I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver.

> And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real

> quick and hand it to him.


> Whether they find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be

> considered an enemy planet.


> If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator,

> I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you

> make it shoot farther?"  No.  I'm sorry.  That's as far as it shoots.


> Why is it that we laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't

> laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown 

> outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags?


> Probably the earliest fly-swatters were nothing more than some

> sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.


> Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of 

> destruction, mankind should think about getting more use out of

> the weapons we already have.


> The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.


> If you go flying back through time, and you see someone else

> flying into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.


> To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when 

> you walk around.  That way, if anybody says, "Hey can you give me

> a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."


> Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a

> minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back.

> Now who's asking the questions?


> I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof

> with his Superman cape on.  "Get down!" yelled Uncle Lou.  "Don't

> move!" screamed Grandma.  But Grandpa wouldn't listen.  He walked 

> to the edge of the roof and stuck out his arms, like he was going

> to fly.  I forget what happened after that.


> If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the

> mirror, because I'll bet that's what really throws you into a panic.


> I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's

> Todd.  Todd Blankenship."  Oh, also I wish my last name was 

> Blankenship.


> If you're an ant, and you're walking across the top of a cup of

> pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you

> and disaster is the strength of the pudding skin.


> Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess was 

> why several of us died of tuberculosis.


> I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others.  I think

> he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to

> my home planet.


> Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that big of a deal.

> First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a

> swan that looks that much better than the one you've got, so why not

> mate for life?


> If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think

> it's okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh, too, because come

> on, life is funny.


> Just as bees swarm about to protect their nest, so will I "swarm about"

> to protect my nest of chocolate eggs.


> If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of 

> how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just

> drive you up a wall.


> Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead.  No, wait.  Not me, you.


> Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to 

> catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars.


> I can't stand cheap people.  It makes me real mad when someone

> says something like "hey, when are you going to pay me that 

> hundred dollars you owe me?" or "Do you have that fifty dollars

> you borrowed?"  Man, quit being so cheap.


> You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't

> sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while. 

> It's their way of letting off stress.


> One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if

> the equator was a real line that went around the earth, or just

> and imaginary one.  I had to laugh.  Laugh and laugh.  Because I

> didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget

> what he asked me.


> If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's 

> some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take 

> it easy!


> I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed

> psychiatrist is our "friend".


> When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common 

> mistake is wrapping it too tight.  You have to allow the head to

> breathe.


> If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it

> necessarily means you're a hard worker.  It may just mean that 

> you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.


> When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me

> want to grab them by the collar and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid

> bastard!"  Then I drive them out into the desert to where the circus 

> is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life.


> If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a

> speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed

> right off the stage.  They're just not ready.


> We like to praise birds for flying.  But how much of it is actually

> flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the

> previous flap?


> Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about

> individual push buttons on each desk?  That way, when you want to

> ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a 

> corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class.

> Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number

> against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking 

> the question.


> If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie

> that spins or changes colors.


> You know something that would really make me applaud?  A guy gets

> stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out,

> riding on water skis!  How do they do that?!


> Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or wood hut, people 

> around the world all want the same thing:  a better house.


> When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other

> leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close.


> When Rick told me he was having trouble with his wife, I had to

> laugh.  Not because of what he said, but because of a joke I thought

> of.  I told him the joke, but he didn't laugh very much.  Some friend

> he is.


> If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer,

> I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.


> Love is not something you can put chains on and throw into a lake.

> That's called Houdini.  Love is liking someone a lot.


> If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat.

> Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection?  I thought you

> said 'inspection.'"  They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I 

> could get out of it.


> I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? 

> It would take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at me, let 

> alone fire it.  And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it

> at me?  I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up

> and kick the gun out of their hands.


> I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for out

> children's children, because I don't think children should be 

> having sex.


> If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when

> you get your first anvil.  How innocent you are, little blacksmith.


> What am I afraid of?  I'll tell you:  a feather.  That's right, a

> feather.  How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say.  That's

> and honest question, and I'll try to give it an honest answer.

> First of all, did I say it was a poison feather?


> When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven

> or pie heaven, choose pie heaven.  It might be a trick, but if it's

> not, ummmm, boy.


> Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's

> the least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise.


> I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while 

> you're in midair, you still hit those brakes!  Hey, better try

> the emergency brake!


> I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I 

> think I could cure it.  First, you sit the patient down and have a long

> personal talk.  After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw

> some water in his face or something.


> As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again,

> I sat there thinking about life.  Was it nothing more than a bunch of

> honking and yelling?  Sometimes it seemed that way.


> How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol?  How about the pillow?

> It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have the dangerous beak.


> Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of

> freedom.  I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl

> large rocks at their heads.  It was only later that I discovered they

> were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers.


> If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe

> by shoving them down his throat)?


> I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets,

> because I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name

> on it.


> I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy, and I'll

> tell you why:  Both fly, both wear red, and both have a beard.


> Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to 

> tell about it.  So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.


> Its true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets his wings. 

> But what they don't tell you is, every time you hear a mousetrap snap,

> an angel gets set on fire.


> If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said,

> "Congratulations, it's a girl,"  I think a good gag would be to get

> real mad and yell, "A girl?!  You must have mixed me up with that dork!"

> and point to another father.


> I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on 

> the same day.  Then, that night, they burned the wheel.


> The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe.

> But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around 

> until he's completely draped in it.  Then he'll stand up and go,

> "Hey, I'm Vine Man."


> I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown,

> and how the children would laugh and laugh at me.  I vowed, then and 

> there, that I would get revenge.


> If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because I could walk

> around on two feet with a lot of other guys like me.


> The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth.  Could nothing stop it?

> Maybe Bob could.  He was suddenly on top of the meteor -- through

> some kind of space warp or something.  "Go, Bob, go!" yelled one of

> the generals.  "Give me that!" said the big-guy general as he took

> the microphone away.  "Listen, Bob," he said.  "You've got to steer

> that meteor away from Earth."  "Yes, but how?" thought Bob.  Then he got

> an idea.  Right next to him there was a steering wheel sticking out of

> the meteor.


> If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land

> on someone's lip.  Even if they smash you, ick!, you're all over their lip.


> I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling."

> It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of

> wood.  I don't know why we should do this, but my God, we've got to

> try something!


> Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair,

> the first thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth.


> A quiz:  If I am my brother's brother, who am I?  (Answer:  me.)


> People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most 

> beautiful things in the world.  What they don't understand is, I mean 

> a jellyfish with long, blond hair.


> If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do:

> Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, "Well, 

> technically that's illegal."  It might fit in with what somebody just

> said.  And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.


> To us, it might look like just a rag.  But to the brave, embattled

> men of the fort, it was more than that.  It was a flag of surrender.

> And after that, it was torn up and used for shoe-shine rags, so the

> men would look nice for the surrender.


> It's easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly.  But also, check

> out his Adam's apple!


> I think one way police departments could make some money would be

> to hold a yard sale of murder weapons.  Many people, for example,

> could probably use a cheap ice pick.


> I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins

> in it, because do you hide from it or not?


> There are many stages in a man's life.  In the first stage, he is

> young and eager, like a beaver.  In the second stage, he wants to

> build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees.  In the 

> third stage, he feels trapped, and then "skinned."  I'm not sure

> what the fourth stage is.


> I wish I would have a real tragic love affair, and get so bummed 

> out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years,

> because I was thinking about doing that anyway.


> If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our

> civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were

> just kidding, that this isn't really our civilization, but

> a gag we hoped they would like.  Then we tell them to come 

> back in twenty years to see our real civilization.  After that,

> we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new

> civilization.  Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as

> they're waving goodbye.


> Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the

> queen's round metal hat.


> I wish I could sink down to the size of an ant.  And maybe there

> would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant size, and

> we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground, and

> live there.  But don't ever call us "ants," because we hate that.


> If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob,

> I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other.  But

> here's the point I'm trying to make:  Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.


> I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, one thing you

> would constantly find yourself telling people would be,  "Be sure,

> before I start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body,

> because I am not unwrapping him later."


> If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big

> rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite

> kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you

> taught him.


> If I had the time to sit down and write a thank-you note to everyone

> who sent me a nice, expensive present, what a wonderful world that

> would be!


> You know one thing that will really make a woman mad?  Just run

> up and kick her in the butt.  (P.S.  This also works with men.)


> It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate

> with me.  I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up

> the telephone, and dial.  My phone would ring, and it would be him,

> but it was just this squawking and cheeping.  "What?!  What?!" I

> would yell back, but he never did speak English.


> If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys,

> throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins.  Maybe it'll make everyone

> think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw

> a real grenade.


> I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.


> I guess we were all guilty, in a way.  We all shot him, we all 

> skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, 

> "I helped skin Bob."


> Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap.  The flytrap can

> bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has

> little tiny plant teeth.  But some other stuff could happen and it

> could be like ambition.


> I'd rather be rich than stupid.


> If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors

> came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be

> a good idea to say, "I swallowed it.  So sue me."


> I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was

> free.  To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending

> he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.


> I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures.  They're

> sort of like dogs.  Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.


> If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses

> should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.


> When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your

> elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.


> At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be

> "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then

> I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it

> with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would

> probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw

> fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.


> A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call

> the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.

> "That's dynamite, baby."


> Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for

> a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably

> be able to get a lot of free games.


> I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack,

> above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel

> it.


> I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end

> up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get

> embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and

> they'd get mad and eat the snowman.


> Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin

> real fast and freak everybody out.


> The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any

> toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with

> rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with

> it. Man, I think my heart almost broke.

>    Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I

> reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the

> enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.


> I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall

> under the ruthless domination of our solar system.


> I wonder if Dracula ever has ticks.


> When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet,

> I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again,

> louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.


> He was a spy, all right, and he knew it. He would walk into a room and people

> would go, "Who the fuck is that guy, a spy?" He'd laugh to himself, maybe pull

> out his gun and show it to the person, to kind of impress him (but not to show

> off).

>    Sometimes spying was dirty work. Sometimes he'd kill a guy, then paint a

> clown face on his face. Nobody said he had to do that, but he did it anyway.

> So, dirty work.


> I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got

> Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."


> I don't guess I've ever been as scared as when I was waiting in the

> principal's office. Finally he came in and sat down. He didn't say anything,

> he just looked at me. Then he pulled a copy of Playboy out. "Is this yours?"

> he said.

>    "No," I said, "is this yours?" And I pulled out my penis.

>    I guess I wasn't as scared as I thought.


> If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist.

> When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody.

> That Alien!


> Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that

> rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives. In fact, it might be said

> that rules have become the foot-long sticks of mankind.


> I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does,

> because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech

> improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech

> improvement." I think this makes him feel better.


> Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that

> Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't

> seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a

> doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited,

> and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor,

> and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?


> I think one reason I could be a good playboy is I would be willing to spend

> the time required to really fix up my "pad".


> Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and

> the interchangeable parts.


> If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the

> storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think

> a good name for him would be Carl.


> If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to

> be a better way.


> I think man invented the car by instinct.


> I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and

> lit the evil puppet villain on fire.

>    No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the

> human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you

> kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity,

> as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.


> I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I

> don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say,

> "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."


> I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell

> sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!


> I think it's high time we started questioning the old cliches like "Grunt big

> for Daddy."


> Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the

> program!


> Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked

> me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots."

>    "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth real hard. "Then maybe you and carrots

> would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!"

>    They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch.


> I think they should continue the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for

> paneling.


> One question that's never been answered to my satisfaction by the "Playboy

> Advisor" is "What kind of stereo system works best in hell?"


> A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a

> poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet

> and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him

> about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why

> it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.


> Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road

> in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires

> popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it

> bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar.


> Just as irrigation is the lifeblood of the Southwest, lifeblood is the soup of

> cannibals.


> In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still

> others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here they'll always be known as

> screw-boys.


> I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for

> about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and

> start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd

> say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd

> say, "Well, that was easy."

>    Good joke, huh.


> I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which

> you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find

> a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you

> stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take

> off!

>    Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.


> Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.


> Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is

> capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as

> you might think.


> The prince decided he would learn anger. So he gathered his subjects together

> outside his balcony. "Who would teach me anger?" he said.

>    "Fuck you!" somebody yelled.

>    "Okay, how about algebra?" said the prince.


> If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do

> this: Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the

> fireplace onto the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body and yell,

> "Log o' fire! Log o' fire!"

>    I've never done this, but I think it'd work.


> As the snow started to fall, he tugged his coat tighter around himself. Too

> tight, as it turned out.

>    "This is the fourth coat crushing this year", said the sergeant as he

> outlined the body with a special pencil that writes on snow.


> I read that when the archaeologists dug down into the ancient cemetary, they

> found fragments of *human bones*! What kind of barbarians were these people,

> anyway?


> I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe

> in a God with a long white beard, a gold crown, and a long robe with lots of

> shiny jewels on it. He sits on a big throne in the clouds, and He's about five

> hundred feet tall. He talks in a real deep voice like "I...AM...GOD!" He can

> blow up stuff just by looking at it.

>    This is my own, personal idea of God.


> Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy

> sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is

> everybody ready to start now?"


> Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called

> the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell

> everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's

> just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone,

> and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five

> minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out.

>    Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of

> town. Bye, Cricket Boy.


> The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard

> and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but

> he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the

> volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day.

>    It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out.

> Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to

> collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke

> his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.


> If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels",

> because then I could go up and bite people and they would turn around and go,

> "What the-?" And then they would recognize me, and go, "Oh, it's you, the

> Prince of Weasels."


> As the sleek new sports car wound its way up the tortuous road, Henri tought

> back to the torture he had received ten minutes ago. "Ah, air conditioning",

> he thought as he aimed the vents toward the numerous whip marks on his legs,

> chest, and groinal area.


> I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.


> Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of

> these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from

> invasion by another group."

>    "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh.

>    Girls are funny.


> When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I

> got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no

> one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel

> that way.


> It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be

> carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.


> One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff.


> I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other.

> I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teen-ager, I stole a car and

> drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I

> just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress."

>    Boy, did I have a lot to learn.


> Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no

> other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out

> there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or

> factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I

> have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain - unless there's

> lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.


> The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a

> fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.


> I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't

> hypnotize you.


> Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I

> forgot to put on my pants.


> Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never

> known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and

> bitter.

>    Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.


> I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.


> Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car

> parked next to ours had a real dirty windshield; so I wrote THIS CAR LOOKS

> LIKE A FART in the dirt. Later I asked Marta if she thought it was a childish

> thing to do. She said, "Well, maybe," Man, whose side is she on, anyway?


> Sometimes I wonder if I'm sexy enough. When I walk into a singles bar with my

> "fashionable" shirt, "fashionable" slacks, and a big new rubber manta-ray

> helmet. I can't help wondering: Do women want to talk to me for myself, or do

> they just want to get a feel of that nice rubber manta skin?


> The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him

> and called him a fruit.

>    Man, I hate land like that.


> Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a

> big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get

> the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your

> balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big

> Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it

> was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it,

> like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you . . . 


> It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we

> can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary

> Skeletons.


> Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a

> chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy!

> I'm going insane again.


> If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you

> should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs.


> He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's

> what I hated about him.


> I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls

> and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing

> around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.


> The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large

> blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone

> asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and

> pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've

> hidden it.

>    Good magic trick, huh?


> I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk

> around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.


> If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is

> probably a joke that gets old real fast.


> If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the

> professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you

> figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.


> Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in

> Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help,"

> she could do it.


> If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to

> speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.


> I wish scientists would come up with an ear of corn that was big and round,

> because then when you were eating it, it'd be fun to make chew marks in the

> shape of continents.


> I wonder if angels believe in ghosts.


> I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just

> a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.


> I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they

> want to know?


> Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and

> catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway;

> that's my point.



>   END  --------